Understanding Why Grief is a Journey & Not a Moment
US Psychiatrist and Researcher, Bessel van der Kolk really hit the nail on the proverbial head with his claims that ‘The body keeps the score’. And in my experience with dancing with grief & pain this continues to be true.
I am passionate about educating people on the reality that is grief, trauma & pain - not so that they can fix it but to have a greater understanding in another’s experience. When we understand more, we are able to sit with compassion in another’s space.
My mental ducks have been going swimmingly and standing in a nice little row the past 6 months. I am feeling the greatest peace I have felt in years and a sense of purpose & achievement. It has been two and a half years since my son’s father passed and recently it was approaching my son’s Third birthday. We never had a birthday with his Dad and I am at complete mental peace with our situation. But the body has a funny way of reminding you of the journey.
Roughly 4 weeks prior to the anticipated celebrations my ducks started misbehaving…..standing out of line, started having little disagreements and I am pretty sure the last 2 were standing on their heads. My ducks have always been the metaphor for how I’ve coped through my grief journey. My grief started to present in the body with extreme fatigue, insomnia, intense dreams, illness, gut issues, fluid retention, headaches and some other random things. It’s fun hey?
Although I feel at peace, my body remembers the pain & grief of significant dates and still flares a reaction. It is frustrating (and fascinating if it weren’t my ducks) to be honest because I have come so far to heal but deep down the body still holds these patterns, memories & reactions.
But not all is lost – I have learnt the faster I surrender to the process and allow the feelings, emotions and reactions to move through, the faster my ducks return to an orderly line. These reactions are completely unconscious in how they build and it is not as easy as to think positive, exercise, journal etc. It’s literally battening down the hatches & going for cover – surviving it before you can return to thriving.
When I have had people ask why it is happening, I just say this is grief, loss, pain & trauma. There does not have to be a single reason. It is really the nature of the body going through something at the time that is unbearable and it making sense of how to integrate that moving forward into the present. For me it is a gentle reminder of all that I have been through, achieved and healed and a reminder of the importance of the loss experienced. I would be more worried if I weren’t having these reactions still – It also reminds me that I am human with a beating heart and a sadness that my son will never know a birthday with his biological father. That’s a painful truth and although I have peace & acceptance, it’s still ok for the body to feel sad & grieve something I never thought would happen to us.
Grief and happiness can coincide in our bodies and it’s important for us to make space for both. Otherwise, the body keeps the score and it will make space for your pain if you don’t. So if you have a friend, family or even yourself where you do not understand why all of a sudden your or their grief & pain is popping up – just know the body knows. Be gentle, have compassion & allow (with the appropriate support) the emotions to move through. I promise you that your ducks will return to their (mostly) behaved selves once they are ready - maybe with a little more sass;)
With love & light, namaste x